Hazy maze

Hello my dear,

It has been so long since I wrote here that I am not sure how to start. I cannot even count the times I thought about what to write here, opened my computer, sat in front of it and started feeling overwhelmed with everything I wish I could write, not knowing how to express it. And just closed the computer and walked away.

Writing here feels a bit strange right now.
Because it makes me feel a mixture of both excited and terrified.
Here is way I could express it :
I have been feeling like I’m walking in the midst of a haze lately.
Not really knowing what I’m doing or how I am supposed to do it.

I feel like the spring weather here : rainy and cloudy. And I know flowers are growing behind this gray haze, but it’s hard to see them and they seem blurred and far away. It’s just like the ideas in my head. The ideas about everything I need or want to do : they are here, there are so many that I cannot see them well, I don’t manage to catch even one. They are dancing in a circle and I’m just standing in the middle, not knowing where to start, what to do, feeling more and more confused and ending up stuck because I have no idea where to start.

It makes me feel anxious and lost. And it’s always hard to write about something negative you are feeling if you are still in the middle of it.
Once it has faded away and you feel good again, it’s easier because you can confidently say you took a step back and learnt a lesson from it.
But while I am still standing in the middle of this haze that is so hard to define (even for myself, so how could I define it to someone else ?), I cannot seem to tell which lesson is going to come out of it.
So it’s hard, and it doesn’t seem fair, to just share this stone without anything to make it feel lighter.

But while standing in the middle of this haze, time has flown by and I have missed writing to you. And the more I’ve been waiting, the more scared I’ve been feeling about doing it.
You know, when you have plans, ideas or thoughts that seem exciting at first, but you are not sure how they are going to come out and you just let time pass by because you don’t really know how else to do it. And the idea grows bigger and bigger and it eventually swallows you in its shadow and you feel so small next to it. And you don’t know where to start, and waiting just lets it grow bigger, and it seems like a neverending circle. I’m usually rather good at taking the first step anyway, the one that shows you it’s going to be okay, this idea/plan/project is not that big once divided into small steps. But lately it seems like the energy I always felt to take this first step is also lost in the haze.
So I let these plans and ideas grow as big as monsters and I let them swallow me.

That being said, I’m so happy that today, I opened the window and the computer, enjoying the birds singing outside and the fresh spring air (it’s one of the rare sunny days today), sat, and started to write here.
Because I finally took that first step, and now writing these words does not seem as big of a monster as it was in my head all these weeks. I’m hoping it will go like this, little by little, with all of the other plans and ideas that are floating around in my mind : making more personal work, refreshing my portfolio with these news pieces I’d like to make, reaching out to new clients once my portfolio is refreshed, and all of these exciting things. But I’m not so sure. I guess the only way is just to try my best and see.
Even if lately, my best has seemed so little compared to everything I wish I was doing.

I don’t have a great advice, a wise thought or a handy lesson to share with you here about this hazy maze I’ve been navigating. But I thought that just writing about it, without the step back, just sharing this feeling, might be helpful in case anyone has been feeling the same. If it can help even one person feeling less alone in this maze, then it will have been worth it.

I’m grateful that you are around and reading my ramblings 💙
In the hope that it will still make this feel lighter, I wanted to share some sketches and tiny things I managed to draw in the past weeks 🌼 Little flowers growing behind the rain. (Very) slowly but (probably) steadily.

I really hope the start of spring is sunnier for you, if not outside at least in your own mind 🌞 And in case it is not, you are not alone, and I’m sending you a big hug, a piece of caramel chocolate and a warm peach tea (it does help when everything feels too blurred).
Take care of yourself and see you soon ✨

A few sketches & behind the scenes…

The making of for the illustration I made for this article

(Click on each image to enlarge it and see in its full size)

I started by drawing with an old nib I found the other day (it was so much fun !)
I used Sennelier ink in Sepia shade. Then, I scanned it before colouring with coloured pencils. It was wise, because I ended up not being happy with the coloured pencil version, so I used the linework and coloured it in Procreate instead !